


Shape of my Heart

by BritHistorian



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 17:20:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9133840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BritHistorian/pseuds/BritHistorian
Summary: A songfic to Sting's "Shape of My Heart," about the women of Firefly/Serenity.  Takes place soon after the BDM.





	

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier (Zoe)  
I know that the clubs are weapons of war (River)  
I know that diamonds mean money for this art (Inara)  
But that's not the shape of my heart (Kaylee)  
  
  
She deals the cards as a meditation (Zoe)

> On every planet or moon they'd gone to, every single one, no matter how small or no-count or one-horse it was, Wash had managed to find a postcard for her. He'd write "I love you!" and the date and time on the back, then leave it under her pillow. Now the cards were just about all that she had left of him. When the sadness would get to be too much, she'd wrap herself in one of his _hideous_ flowery shirts, spread the cards out on their bed, and look at all the places she had been loved.

And those she plays never suspect (River)

> They thought she was better after Miranda. They couldn't be more wrong. She wasn't fixed. She was just better at hiding how broken she was. If she ever got tired of piloting, maybe she could become an actress. She certainly got enough practice every day. But that's why she still had to be alone so often - it was so much _work_ leading them all to think she was normal. She needed time alone, when she wasn't playing a role, so that she could go out and face the world, say the things people expected her to say, be a girl.

  
She doesn't play for the money she wins  (Inara)

> "That's the last one. Good thing, too - it's pretty much the last of the money." Inara looked at the pitifully small amount left in her account. "Anyone who thinks being a Companion is a good way to get rich has no idea what they're talking about." Guild dues took almost half of what she made. Then once she paid rent on her shuttle, her share of the groceries, and all the necessary expenses of her profession - clothes, makeup, hair and nails - she was just as broke as any of Serenity's crew. "So why" she asked herself "do you do it?"

  
She doesn't play for respect (Kaylee)

> Kaywinnet Lee Frye was fuming as she worked on Serenity's engine. "Little Kaylee! I hate it when he calls me that! Inara's only a couple of inches taller than me and he never calls her little! I'm almost as tall as River and he never calls _her_ little." Kaylee cursed as the wrench slipped and she scraped her knuckles. "Sometimes I hate bein' a girl! People think it's cute that I'm a mechanic, but they never take me serious. I should just leave, let Serenity fall apart, strand them in the Black, see how cute they think I am then!"

  
  
  
She deals the cards to find the answer  (Zoe)

> Before putting the cards away, she lays them out in order, tracing the path of their travels together from world to world. Persephone. Whitefall. Regina. Ariel. Dates of landfalls, gaps in between showing time spent in the Black. But there really wasn't a card for every single landfall. At the very end, where she tried not to look, there was no card for Miranda. It seemed silly to mind this, silly to care, but she did. She wanted a record of the very last planet Wash had set foot on, a token of his love from their last day together.

  
The sacred geometry of chance (River)

> People just didn't make sense. _Serenity_ was predictable: Move the controls a certain way, and she'd respond accordingly. People didn't work that way. People were randomly different from person to person, or from day to day. Somehow they understood each other, but she couldn't figure out how. It was complicated for her, but they seemed to do it automatically. She knew she'd once had this map in her head, that she'd been able to navigate this realm easily, but whatever they'd done had torn the map out, and now she was left to discover it anew every single gorram day.

  
The hidden law of a probable outcome  (Inara)

> If there was a more infuriating man in the 'Verse than Malcolm Reynolds, Inara hoped she'd never meet him. Every time they talked he made some snide remark about her profession. He couldn't see that she was trapped. She wasn't a soldier or a pilot or a mechanic. This was the only way she could make the coin she needed in order to pay rent on her shuttle and stay with Serenity. With him. Who couldn't stand the thought of her profession. Either way she was bound to lose; at least this way she could stay in the game longer.

  
The numbers lead a dance (Kaylee)

> "C'mon, it'll be fun!" As quickly as it had come on, Kaylee's black mood had evaporated, and she tried teaching Simon to dance. But it didn't go well - the good Dr. Tam had two left feet. No matter how hard she tried to simplify the steps, he just couldn't seem to get the hang of them. At one point Simon said something about quitting, which was the last straw as far as Kaylee was concerned. She stormed off, yelling back from the top of the stairs. "That's right! Give up! It's not important! It only means a lot to Kaylee!"

  
  
  
She may play the jack of diamonds (Zoe)

> The gypsy in the market turned over a card. "I see a man. Fair-haired, smiling, full of life. He is joker, not a fighter." Zoe scowled at the old woman. "No," she said coldly, "that's what I lost. He was a leaf on the wind. . . You should have seen him soar." The old woman handed back her coin. "I cannot read you. There is too much sadness. Until you let go of the past, you will not receive your future." Zoe turned to walk away, saying "Then I have no future, 'cause I ain't lettin' go of my man."

  
She may lay the queen of spades (River)

> A model. That's what she needs. An example to follow, to see how to act, how to be. But who to choose? Not Simon - the boob. Not Mal, certainly not Jayne. One of the women - girl going to become a woman needs a mother or a mother-figure. Not Inara - she's too complicated, too difficult, too many facets. Kaylee is more like a sister than a mother. Besides, Kaylee is just so happy - doesn't feel right. That only leaves Zoe. She's so still, so quiet - it's not much different from what she's doing now. Maybe she _is_ doing something right.

  
She may conceal a king in her hand  (Inara)

> "Now remember," Inara told Mal, "you promised you'd confine Jayne to his quarters while we're transporting the Companion candidates and their chaperones." Mal smiled. "Already done. An extra one percent and he's as scarce as hen's teeth." Inara chewed nervously on her lip. "I hate to bring this up, but our relationship must be strictly business - to the Guild I'm just an investment, and they'll take immediate action if they think they need to protect their investment." Mal looked affronted. "Of course - strictly business! What else would we be?" Inara didn't think he'd meant her to hear that second sentence.

  
While the memory of it fades (Kaylee)

> Dinner tonight had been somewhat less awkward than usual. The conversation only came to a dead stop a couple of times. People were starting to be able to look ahead and see the possibilities of the future, rather than being so stuck on what they had lost. But _still_ , every time someone would say the wrong thing, and remind everyone of Book or Wash or Miranda, it _still_ always fell to Kaylee to restart the conversation. She wondered how long they'd all sit there silent if she didn't say anything. She was almost frustrated enough to try to find out.

  
  
  
And if I told you that I loved you  (Zoe)

> Sixty-five cards. Sixty-five times he told her he loved her. And that's just the times in writing. That's not even counting all the times he said the words, or showed her in other ways. She wondered if he knew, _really_ knew, how much that meant to her. She had had so much sadness, so much death and pain in her life. His love was a lifeline, helping to keep her sane. Without the light that he brought into her life, she knew she'd shut down, stop feeling altogether. She hoped he knew how much he meant to her.

  
You'd maybe think there's something wrong  (River)

> "River, are you okay?" Simon looked - eyebrows down, forehead furrowed, mouth straight - worried, concerned, anxious. River reviews: Has she done something wrong? Misstated? Misstepped? No, she's following her model, being quiet, reserved, not laughing too long or too loud. Staying focused, concentrating - just like Zoe. She's doing everything right. Maybe Simon's concerned because he expects her to still act sick; he's not used to this. He'll get used to it - even if she's not better, it's better for everyone if they think she is. "I'm fine," she says. "Everything's fine." He doesn't look entirely convinced. She'll have to try harder.

  
I'm not a man of too many faces (Inara)

> Inara finished the docking procedure. "Okay River, I'm back." "Welcome back. We've gotta get going now - captain's in a bit of a hurry." "When isn't he? See you at dinner." Switching off the intercom, Inara leaned back in her chair, set an alarm for one hour, and closed her eyes. She'd never realized until recently how much she needed the time she spent with Serenity and her crew. While her work was occasionally pleasurable, it was mentally exhausting to figure out what a client needed and fill that need. Inara needed a place to be herself with people she trusted.

  
The mask I wear is one (Kaylee)

> Kaylee lay in her hammock in the engine room, tears streaming down her face. She just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't be the source of all happiness in the crew anymore. "Everyone always thinks, 'I've got a problem, I can go to Kaylee and she can fix it.' But I can't! I can't always be the happy one and fix everyone else! It's like a fire - it you just let it burn and burn and burn, and never add any fuel, it'll burn out. _I_ 'm burning out." The tears had mostly stopped by the time she fell asleep.

  
  
  
Those who speak know nothing (Zoe)

> They meant well. She knew they did. They said it was unhealthy of her to wrap herself in Wash's memory the way she did. But they didn't understand, and it wasn't something you could explain. She'd heard women say "When my husband died, a part of me died too." But that wasn't what happened. It didn't die - it was just severely wounded. But so long as she kept his memory alive, it kept their love alive, and that kept that part of her alive. And while she didn't know if she could live without it, she didn't want to try.

  
And find out to their cost (River)

> "Simon, get your ass in here." Jayne looks . . . angry? No - his face isn't red. Not happy, not sad. Worried? Jayne is worried about her? But she's fine! She tries to tell him, but the words won't come. She can't move, curled up, so cold. Simon passes in front of her eyes - even more worried. "I thought she was better." So he _was_ fooled! "Help me get her to the sickbay. We've got to put her back on medications. I've been afraid of this - she's keeping too much locked inside, not letting it out." Maybe she _did_ choose the wrong model.

  
Like those who curse their luck in too many places  (Inara)

> Inara managed to hold back most of her tears until she made it to her shuttle, then collapsed on the floor, her body wracked by sobs, Mal's last words to her echoing in her head: "So you're saying we can't do anything, because if you leave the Guild they'll come after you, and if you don't leave it they'll come after me. What about standing up, fighting for what you want? I never figured you for a coward, Inara." And then he'd turned away. But everything she had said had been true! Why didn't that make her feel any better?

  
And those who fear are lost (Kaylee)

> Kaylee woke up and stared up at the ceiling. It was so tempting to just stay in bed and just let the world get by without her as best it could. But things weren't gonna fix themselves, and if she sat out today, that'd just make it that much harder to get in the game tomorrow. With the way their luck had been running, anything that didn't get fixed today would probably cause a chain reaction and break something twice as hard to fix by tomorrow. She couldn't let fear paralyze her, so she got ready to face the day.


End file.
